Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room