Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
@funTweeters
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
SF is the wild wild west man
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry