*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.