I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?