the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
It’s a gift
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker