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me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?