All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters