I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Why am I like this?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!