Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Its a hippotatomus
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Snapes on a plane.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.