Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.