“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.