Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid