Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
How your email finds me
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Comparing yourself to others
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.