McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Danger is very dangerous
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.