The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably