It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I hate everything
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.