People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Room with a view.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*