Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
why I oughta
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.