WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.