I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk