The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I am patiently waiting for your email
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Morning.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.