I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’m giving up ice.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree