Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.