“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Its true…
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest