If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex