LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?