Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
definitely did not do anything wrong