*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
🙂🙃🥹
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
This will never not be funny to me.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib