I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*offers Batman cough drops*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*