god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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not seeing the problem
This is a sub tweet
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height