ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.