The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
his wife is probably gonna see that
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.