Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back