The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit