All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.