The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
What in the hipster hell is going on here
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
This makes total sense…
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.