Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
(Musicians.)
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”