Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Mad Max: Furry Road
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.