Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
You Might Also Like
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting