GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.