Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.