Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about