Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,