Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Lol
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Many hands make light work
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!