People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Passwords are more important than ever.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.