I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap