Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
dream blunt rotation