If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
How dude HOW?!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.