6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.