Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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i can’t wait that long
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder